It would be nice if we could give you the magic formula to maintain ethics when faced with conflict. The bad news is that we don't have a magic formula. Conflict jeopardizes our best efforts to maintain an ethical approach. It is often too easy to rationalize responses when in an adversarial situation that in another light may seem to compromise demonstrating ethics. The good news is that we can offer you some tips - not fail-safe, guaranteed-to-work-every-time tips - but tips that will help keep you on the right track.

Tip one: Remember, people in conflicts get emotional.

Possibly the one thing that separates a conflict from a negotiation is that the people involved in the conflict have allowed their negative emotions to translate into negative assumptions and escalate. People are going to be emotional. Just because they're at work and they're supposed to behave as professionals doesn't mean that they left their emotions at the door. Get used to the idea. Emotions might be messy, but they are reality.

Tip two: Conflict, when it is done right, is actually an important and inevitable part of community development and innovation.

If we are not conflicting, it means that either we are still ill at ease with one another or that one or both of us is not being honest about how we feel or how we see the situation. Or, (least likely of all the options), we really see eye to eye on everything. Don't try to avoid all conflict just because it is conflict. Remember that it is a good sign that people who care deeply about issues are attempting to communicate (and failing - but working at it nonetheless!)

Tip three: There are a variety of approaches to conflict resolution.

It is all too easy to fall into a particular approach just because we are comfortable with it. Avoid this temptation. Make sure you are consciously using a specific approach for the right reasons.

Tip four: Set the stage for effective conflict resolution.

Much of how we feel and how we react is influenced by what we perceive in our environment. If we perceive the environment to be threatening, we are likely to react defensively. Makes sense right? The tricky part is that much of what we perceive (about 99% in fact) we perceive unconsciously. This means that although we are influenced by it, we are not sure what is making the difference or why. As you prepare for a conflict with someone, do whatever you can to make sure that the environment is set up to allow them to feel as comfortable as possible. Watch your own body language and tone of voice carefully to be sure you are not sending an inconsistent message.

Tip five: Challenge your assumptions.

Most of us tend to assume we know exactly what is going on. I interpret your behavior and naturally assume that my interpretation was the correct one. This is not necessarily true. It is important to remember that each of us has active listening filters. What you heard may or may not have been what was intended. Be sure to clarify your assumptions by telling the other person how you interpreted the situation and asking if your interpretation was accurate. If it wasn't, listen carefully and actively as they clarify (and then make sure you understood what they said).

Tip six: Consider your approach.

According to the research by John Gottman, Ph.D, 96% of conflictual conversations that begin poorly in the first three minutes will end poorly regardless of the attempts made to fix or soften the issue halfway through. If you started off in a way that puts the other person on immediate defensive standby, pull the plug on the conversation and start over. You can do this, but telling the person you are sorry for the "harsh start-up" and ask if you can take a minute to collect your thoughts before starting again. This will allow both of you time to cool down.

Tip seven: Be tactfully honest about your own issues and look for underlying interests.

An effectively resolved conflict is one that allows for good negotiation to occur. As in a win/win negotiation process, be honest about your underlying interests and ask the other person to be clear about what they want and, more importantly, why they want it. You might find that the conflict is not in fact about what you thought is was about. It might be symptomatic of a deeper issue.

Tip eight: Where possible, begin to move the conflict back toward a win/win negotiation.

This will only be possible when you are able to successfully communicate your understanding (not necessarily agreement) of the other person's feelings and underlying interests. The other person must also understand that you are going to work together to find a solution to both of your needs. If you can get to this stage, begin working through the steps of the win/win negotiation (starting with clarifying your understanding of their interests and brainstorming creative options).